I've had so many feelings lately that I don't even know where to begin. Friday was our last day of this school year. And I'm not sure whether to shout with joy or to stay somber knowing that it's not quite over yet. But I know it's a good time to reflect. Second year was a challenge. I'm not sure if I ever quite figured it out, to be completely honest.
A couple days ago I started off strong, a healthy breakfast, a somewhat focused start to studying. And then a small trigger around 11 am and I fell apart. Began questioning myself, my abilities, my purpose in school. I let my negative thoughts consume me until I felt helpless and stupid. And I just sat at my desk, crying but unable to really pinpoint how I was feeling because it felt like so many things - a little sad, a little disappointed, a little angry, a little tired. I called Andrew, convinced him to come to Starbucks with me so I could try and re-start and not lose the day. The little study session started off well, only to be brought back down again about an hour in. I told Andrew how dumb I've been feeling, how I wasn't going to be where I wanted to be after medical school, how I wasn't going to be a good doctor. He put down his studying and talked to me for 20 minutes, brow furrowed, visibly frustrated. I asked him why he looked that way. He told me that he was only frustrated because he could see myself giving up, and all he wished was for me to believe in myself, to have a little more confidence. It was making him sad.
I'm still always a little embarrassed when I think about how much he puts up with me. All the crying, all the worrying, all the low self esteem. He just takes it in, and then he'll do things like go to random study spots when I don't want to be in the library, or drive to Marsh together to buy ice cream even though he's really not into desserts. And I've thanked him every time, because I really am grateful for the support. But I never really thought about how he actually felt. And when you realize you're making your number 1 supporter feel sad about the whole thing, you know you've got to do something different.
So this is the first step towards fixing that. I need to get back to my old self, one that is more confident of where she is in life. The one who stops questioning herself and just goes for it. The person who was proud of herself for getting this far. I need to do it for my family, who loves me unconditionally. I need to do it for my best friends, who still encourage me even though we get far less face time than in years past. Who sometimes believe in me more than I believe in myself.
But most importantly, I need to do it for me. There's still a couple weeks before step 1, and a couple years before graduation. Now is the time to turn it around. Stop being lost and keep moving forward.
These cookies were intended to be walnut chocolate chip cookies, but I looked in my pantry this morning and couldn't find chocolate chips for the life of me. So I just toasted up some of the coconut and threw that in instead. Chocolate chips wouldn't be a bad idea though, just sub 1/2 cup of the walnuts and 1/2 cup of the coconut for 1 cup of chocolate chips and you should end up with a pretty damn good chocolate chip cookie.
Toasted coconut and walnut cookies
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/4 cups all purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ginger
1/2 cup toasted coconut
1/2 cup toasted walnuts
Toast the walnuts and coconut with a pan on the stove. Let cool.
Preheat oven to 300 F. Line 3 baking sheets with parchment paper.
In a large bowl, stir the flour, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger together. Set aside.
In a mixing bowl, beat the butter and sugars together until light and fluffy. Add the egg, vanilla, and baking soda and mix until well incorporated.
Add the flour mixture to the batter. Add the toasted coconut and walnuts and mix until well combined.
Scoop the cookie dough onto the baking sheets, and place in the oven.
Bake for 18 minutes, or until golden brown. Remove from the oven and place on a cooling rack. Enjoy!