When I interviewed for medical school, I first heard the term "lifelong learning". I didn't think much of it. Maybe because at that point of life I had been sixteen years into school and quite frankly, learning didn't feel like that big a deal anymore. And medicine, it's ever changing, right? So yeah, I figured it was fine. Lifelong learning, whatevs. I can do that. Said my naive, twenty two year old self 🙄
Well, safe to say, these two words have leapt back into my brain after what has been a weird couple of days. Over the last twenty four hours, my brain is mentally exhausted and my heart is emotionally worn. Work has been, difficult, to say the least. Mistakes have been made, and my inner worrier has unleashed its nasty self into my brain. A lot of fears and doubts are resurfacing - am I cut out for medicine? Am I smart enough for this? How am I going to be a senior resident in just a few short months? I feel small and foolish, unprepared and at times, very, very scared. Intern year has been so fun and rewarding at times. Some days, I feel like I'm on top of my game. I'm ready for the next big thing. Then other days, those mental supports all come crashing down and I feel like I'm back at square one. It's both humbling and terrifying. It makes me remember how much I have to learn. It makes me motivated to try harder but also makes me feel like I'll never get to where I need to be. Lifelong learning, a bumpy road that I'm still navigating through. And frankly, right now I feel a little bit out of control.
What do I do when I feel a little nuts, a little beaten up? A few things, I guess. Baking has been an obvious one. My recent go-to recipes include this hot milk cake (complete with birthday cake frosting and rainbow sprinkles) and these perfect brownies (they were destroyed before noon). Writing on this blog has been a big relief. It gives me a chance to gather my thoughts, sort through the clutter. Even writing this post itself is helping out with the anxiety that has built up over the past few days. And the last thing, is pretty obvious - taking a chance to explore Chicago with Andrew always gives me a joy, gives me laughter from deep in my belly, makes me full (because inevitably we eat everything on these outings. They've been especially great lately now that we've invested in Divvy bike memberships, which has opened up our date night possibilities a thousand-fold. Plus it's both annoyingly cute and worrisome watching Andrew awkwardly pedal through Milwaukee Ave. Yesterday the weather screamed at us to bike around, so we chose to bike over to Logan Square, initially for some fried chicken, but when we got there, we ditched the line and stumbled across the cutest taco restaurant right around the corner, with big open windows, natural light streaming in, succulents on the shelves, hot fresh nachos and street corn on the table within minutes. IT WAS SPEAKING TO ME IN ALL THE WAYS. We ended our night with a cone from one of our favorite little spots and walked along the 606 in our fake hipster outfits. I loved every second. A few photos from yesterday below!
Ending with a quote I go back to on the poopy days, in case you need it too:
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”